We have had three days of questions containing the word “anxiety.”

I think I know how we are all feeling right now. And I can majorly relate. I feel so much pressure to get all my year end business goals completed by the end of the month and that effectively comes early for me because I’m taking my kids to see their grandparents the week before Christmas. (Yay! Divorce schedules!)

I feel like I am stalking the hallways of Silicon Valley, yelling, “Still there???? Can I talk to you about Chairman Mom????? Helllllo????????”

I am excited to go home to Memphis (Petya!) and see my family, but I never know if sweet kids or disrespectful jerks will be accompanying me on this cross-country journey. (Last year, it was the latter.)

There’s also holiday shopping, which I’m usually more on top of. Anyone have tips on DJ equipment suitable and fun for a five-year-old? Tips on a high-quality but easy-to–use kids sewing machine? These are all things I have yet to research…

We are going to chop down a Christmas tree this weekend and do the Santa Train because I didn’t last year and have heard about it FOR A YEAR. When will we decorate this tree? No clue.

Oh, and anyone in the market for a kidney? Because I’m pretty sure my checking account isn’t gonna make it ‘til the 15th without going negative… (It may be there now…I can’t look)

Especially after I majorly blew my budget on an auction to benefit a woman who lost everything in the Camp Fire, and I went to Target last night and loaded up a cart with dog food, leashes, diapers, formula, pajamas, canned goods, deodorant/toothpaste/toothbrushes/shampoo for homeless kits and every other charity drive my kids’ school is doing. And between now and 4pm I have to make an a**load of hummus for the winter concert potluck. And make sure I’m “not too excited” when I see Eli on stage while also telling him he did great in a nonchalant way, because, well, he’s just that kind of diva.

And I need a new roof. And my neighbor told me yesterday my gutters are clogged. I’ll get right on that…

These are some of the reasons I wake up at 5am every morning and can’t go back to sleep. So, on top it all off, I’m tired AF.

This morning was the only one I didn’t have to wake up early for drop off, but I’d signed up to be Eli’s class’s mystery reader so I had to get up and head to school anyway. But on this one, do not pity me: I have been looking forward to this for WEEKS. (ahem)

Eli has basically guessed it’s me every week they’ve had a mystery, so this week he was very cautious. At each daily clue he tried to gather forensic evidence.

“Would you say you wear a lot of jewelry, mama?”

“I don’t know, I have on three rings and eight bracelets right now… is that a lot?”

“I’ve seen more…”

“Evie: Does Mama always have a ‘YAS QUEEN’ mug of coffee at drop off? I know she has it some days…but always?”

I was legitimately excited this morning…like I don’t see my child and read him this same story nearly every damn day. Like I’m not sick of reading it. Like I have the time. Like I didn’t want to relish my one day to sleep in.

Y’all I took a dramatic pause and strutted in the room like I was Diane Von Furstenberg unveiling myself as the guest judge on Project Runway. And—swear to God—the response was about the same. For all the lectures on my need to contain my excitement when he performs, Eli leapt up and hugged me, jumping up and down and screaming, “I knew it!!!!”

Yes, the hugs, and cute faces are a big part of the appeal here. But it’s also about control. That’s how we gain confidence and gain our footing again. I don’t know how I’m gonna pay my bills this month. I don’t know how to even find someone to clean my gutters. I live on the daily rollercoaster of startup CEO emotions. Are we gonna fight the impossible odds and raise even more venture capital next year when we need it? Are we gonna find the designer that we desperately need at the right price sometime this millennium? Will I ever get a haircut?

So little is really in my control. But taking ten minutes to read a story to first graders is. I can read with enthusiasm and do hilarious voices. THIS I’ve got.

* * * *