“We’re going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship…”

I’ve been overdosing in nostalgia this past weekend. It’s funny the things that can trigger it.

Thanks to the San Francisco rain, Evie has been watching Little Einsteins during recess at school. She’s acting like she’s discovered some new amazing thing none of us knew about. In reality, in the wake of my divorce (read: full on chaos where I had my kids 100% of the time and my nanny soon quit and I was a walking a disaster with a company that was struggling to get profitable and I was being threatened by the largest private company in Valley history…) Eli and Evie and I watched Little Einsteins basically every night. It was a phase that came after Super Why and before Dinosaur Train.

It was also when Evie was still enough of a baby she doesn’t remember it. And then Eli moved on, and she never got to consciously experience it. We watched a bunch of episodes during the rain this weekend, and the songs, patting your lap to power up rocket, kicking rocket into high gear, all of it was a surreal experience for me.

It was such a core part of my nightly routine during a tumultuous time I was learning to be a single mother. It’s like going back and reliving it—play acting it, almost-—only now that I’ve got s**t under control and the kids are much older, and ironically more into patting their knees to rev up rocket. (I was always kinda alone in that before.)

Leo, Quincy, June, Annie, my living room, and the popcorn are basically the only constants. The rest of us are all changed.

I feel like it’s the opposite of when Scrooge experiences something kind of like this in a Christmas Carol. Not only do I have no regrets when I look back, it’s such a nice reminder of the love-soaked, mommy-attention’d childhood they’ve had. The fact that those weeknight evening hours have almost always been theirs—meetings, workouts, dates, dinners all came before or after and still do. I realized how much I’ve enjoyed their childhood. Hopefully a sign they have as well.

It was also a sign of how far we’ve all come. Paul more on the periphery of their lives then, as was their dad in some ways. Both are huge, integral parts of the kids lives now. I’ve way more got my s**t together now. And while my new company some days feels just as existential, it isn’t. We’ve got committed investors and money in the bank and a scalable business that works. What’s more I’ve got several months of money put away in case the worst happens. I’ve crawled out of the hell of divorce debt, repo men, and pain.

My kids are in an amazing school and happy and I don’t have to worry about any of that madness until high school. They have their passions—Evie her DJ’ing, foxes, and animals, and Eli his fashion design, internal organs, and baking. Mostly they have each other, Disney Princesses, and Disney villains.

So far, so good.

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