I laughed when I saw this question come into Chairman Mom’s queue: “How do I lovingly kick out my adult son?”

It’s one of the few threads on Chairman Mom I haven’t commented on because that reality is so unfathomable based on where I am now as a divorced mom with adorable young kids who I never want to leave and don’t get to see enough! I feel like divorce shoves you into empty nesting 18 years too early (in my case).

Here’s what’s going on in my house instead. My kids have long insisted they are going to live with me forever, but lately Evie is already weakening on that front.

This was our conversation as we waited for our lunch at the Exploratorium this past weekend:

Evie: So Sayako and I are going to get married. We had a big disagreement about where to live, because she wants to go back to Japan but I don’t speak Japan. So we compromised that we would live in California while she teaches me Japan and then we can go live in Japan.

Mom: Japanese. That sounds like a great plan. I have never been to Japan, and I’d love to come visit you there.

Eli: Oh, I didn’t know about any of this, but it works out PERFECTLY because I’m going to be living in China. That is, mom, if you will come to China with me. I have to still live with you.

Mom: I love China! I’d love to Eli.

Eli: But, mom, do you speak Chinese?

Mom: No, I’m embarrassed to say I tried to learn Mandarin, but didn’t get very far.

Eli: Ok, we can just learn together once we are there. Anyway, Evie can just come over on weekends, or we can go to Japan on weekends.

Evie: But how will I visit you if I don’t speak China?!

Mom: Chinese. You don’t have to speak the language to visit a country. I’ve been to lots of countries even though I don’t speak the language. Once we speak Chinese we can show you around and help translate, just as you can when we come to Japan.

Evie: I’ll probably come to see you guys more, because I’m only going to be DJ’ing on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and I’ll have longer weekends off than you guys.

Mom and Eli nod. We know all about Evie’s plan to revolutionize libraries by adding in live music. And, really, that’s a twice a week gig. You do still need some quiet time in there. There’s a pause in the conversation.

Eli: Mom, I hope you never die, but just in case, if you do die, I’ll just get married so that I have someone to live with.

Mom: Well I hope I don’t die, and I’d love to live in China with you, but if you meet someone you’d like to marry before I die, that’s fine too.

Eli looked at me like I was crazy to suggest such a thing.

Seriously…In a little more than ten years I’ll want to kick him out?

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